Failure To Call A Spade A Spade
The myth of women as clean-obsessed, house-proud, and tidy . . . Okay, I know it comes from somewhere, but it might be time for this myth to die. Because I don't need one more neurosis (I'm an incompetent and unnatural woman!) on top of my pile of dishes and heap of unwashed socks.
Sorry, it's just that whenever I read one of those editorials that just take it as given, with a little chuckle, that "women are neat, men are pigs!" it irks me. It must also irk Springy, whose level of mess-tolerance is significantly lower than mine. (And he is a dude.)
In fact, I'm almost willing to say that 50% of hetero couples I know do not fit into the she-clean, he-messy model. Hang on, I am going to do a little internal polling.
***********
Okay, having polled about 20 mixed-sex couples of my acquaintence, in my brain, in a totally unscientific survey, I'd say that about 30% of the woman do or instigate more housework, 40% of the men do or instigate more housework (yes, folks, this is the crowd I run with), and the rest are even. Obviously the ratios used to be different, like when my great-grandfather was down the mine all day and my great-grandmother was pounding laundry on a rock or whatever, but I feel like that was really more circumstantial than innate. I mean, for all I know my great-grandmother hated cleaning with all her heart but did it cause it had to be done and, really, the mine sounded a lot nastier.
Some people are messy, some people are neat. Most people are in-between. Let's get over insulting both the dudes (who might be perfectly tidy, thank you) and the ladies (who might be fine with a little clutter and not need to feel like less of a woman because of that [cough*brookburg*]) with this silly not-truism.
Sorry, it's just that whenever I read one of those editorials that just take it as given, with a little chuckle, that "women are neat, men are pigs!" it irks me. It must also irk Springy, whose level of mess-tolerance is significantly lower than mine. (And he is a dude.)
In fact, I'm almost willing to say that 50% of hetero couples I know do not fit into the she-clean, he-messy model. Hang on, I am going to do a little internal polling.
***********
Okay, having polled about 20 mixed-sex couples of my acquaintence, in my brain, in a totally unscientific survey, I'd say that about 30% of the woman do or instigate more housework, 40% of the men do or instigate more housework (yes, folks, this is the crowd I run with), and the rest are even. Obviously the ratios used to be different, like when my great-grandfather was down the mine all day and my great-grandmother was pounding laundry on a rock or whatever, but I feel like that was really more circumstantial than innate. I mean, for all I know my great-grandmother hated cleaning with all her heart but did it cause it had to be done and, really, the mine sounded a lot nastier.
Some people are messy, some people are neat. Most people are in-between. Let's get over insulting both the dudes (who might be perfectly tidy, thank you) and the ladies (who might be fine with a little clutter and not need to feel like less of a woman because of that [cough*brookburg*]) with this silly not-truism.
posted by Joolya at
9:39 AM
14 Comments:
My relationship was equal on the housework front until I started my PhD and now i work lots of hours I get dinner cooked for when I get in and often my boyfriend puts my laundry on for me.
He's wonderful! don't know what I'd do without him.
Hmm. My dad used to be a member of the Rotary Club (horror!) and occasionally my mum would be forced to go. Apparently they would make various toasts "to the ladies" about how "nothing would be possible without their work behind the scenes". No one likes doing housework, having lots of work on shouldn't be an excuse not to do it, and if your job means that you rely on a servant, maybe you should change jobs, or try and change your hours.
How quickly people forget how their forbears were oppressed.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20061018/cm_usatoday/dosmartgirlsfinishlastinlove;_ylt=AubKRKG6Y4w1utqTKVwyuyDMWM0F;_ylu=X3oDMTA3YWFzYnA2BHNlYwM3NDI-
Robert L. Bentham
s'cuse me. i am perfectly happy with my mess, why is my womanhood being insulted. actually i'm not happy with my mess, but that's because it sucks away all my motivation to do anything including get out of bed when it gets too bad. and in my house growing up my father did or instigated, or the fear of his wrath instigated about 98% of the cleanup by me and my mom.
Thanks, Robert.
I feel like I may have read or even written that piece before. (Seriously, only I said "H-bomb", cause who wants to date Princetonians, aha-ha.)
Seems like the big news there is that there's not really a problem unless you, the Ivy Lady, are trawling North Jersey dive bars for guys instead of Park Slope dive bars...
Besides, most of the grad school ladies I know date/marry dudes who are also or have been in grad school - so no one is getting married or breeding in their early or mid 20s!
Also-
Damnit, Springy, I was all set to get a serving wench, too.
PS: chem_fem, that is just division of labor. as long as you do other helpful things for your bf, and let him know you appreciate his help, it's all good.
but actually, i don't think it's wise for me to have this discussion here...
That's crap. Otherwise, what was the point of being a feminist, if it wasn't to end the assumption that woman = domestic servant? Therefore, if humanities academic = domestic servant, isn't history repeating itself? Ahaha.
This gets right down to feminist brass tacks. There's no point seeing "patriarchy" in a vaccuum - a cultural phenomenon that can be changed via culture. It actually comes down to working life, and who is expected to do what around the house. This is not a "division of labour" at all. Housework is boring and unpleasant, unlike academic work which is difficult, interesting and rewarding. If your job demands that you need a servant at home, change jobs, or demand change from your employer.
He gets back rubs on demand and a cuppa brought up to his bedside most mornings and I let him know all the time how thankful I am (I'm a kind of vocal girl).
Why don't you want to discuss it here out of interest? do people in your real life know you write this?
Great blog BTW
OK, right, so housework in your opinion isn't so bad, and you don't mind doing it. That's great! And it's great that we're in a position where men do lots of housework. But this didn't happen by magic.
The fact remains that our lives are geared around one partner working full-time, and very long hours. THe other half of the couple works less, and does the caring and household duties. With a little imagination and organisation it should be possible to allow both to have full intellectual lives/careers and to share chores, and caring. This way everyone ends up having the most freedom possible.
But what this entails is a bit of effort on our parts - not just sticking to existing patterns of work because that's what our employers want, but demanding flexible hours and maternity and paternity leave. Academics are very bad at this, because there's an endless supply of PhDs to fill the gap. This is where the organisation comes in.
PS. I am Joolya's husband, and this is an ongoing debate we're having.
Springy -- I'm confused. Are you bashing Chem_fem's situation with her mate? Maybe I've misinterpreted your comments, but it certainly sounds like you're saying that people who have a relationship where there is an "unequal" division of household labor are somehow....wrong. If that's what you're saying, I think you are seriously off the mark. If something works for a couple, let it be. Don't demand that the couple change to accomadate what you think should be the ideal couple life. You certainly don't want anyone to come into your home and tell you the way it "ought" to be, right? I am pretty sure you're in favor of people living their lives as they see fit, correct? So, some people might be happy in a domestic situation that you view as archaic, or whatever. So what? What business is it of yours?
People can find happiness and satisfaction in all kinds of things. Some people do find satisfaction and happiness in keeping house, and those people would probably think that academic pursuits are boring or unfulfilling. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but I think what you do is boring, and you probably think what I do is boring. Should either of us change what we're doing?
Hiya Ethyl, not precisely; I'm saying that restricting the freedom of your partner because of your job is a bad thing, and we should be working towards a situation where everyone should be as free as possible. This means that both sexes should be free to do their share of the childrearing and housework, or that the scientist and the historian should be free to have an equal share in the household chores if neither enjoys cleaning toilets. If a job demands that you neglect your home life, you should have a rethink. That is what I am saying.
I don't know if Chem Fem is neglecting her home life, and clearly that's up to her if she does. My idea is merely that we should worry about the amount of hours we are being asked to work and not accept them unchallenged.
As for your work being boring, I don't know anything about it! But my work is boring, you're right.
I kind of agree with you Springy, but I must say that Joel and I both work long hours, and neither of us considers is a problem. It's annoying, sometimes, and we don't get to see each other as much as possible, but it's a sacrifice we're willing to make for the time being, because we love what we do and want to ensure a future career. Working long hours isn't always a symptom that something is wrong in your life. Sometimes it just means you like your job and want to get done what needs to get done. I guess I still think you're projecting your values onto everyone's lives. Not everyone thinks working long hours is a bad thing.
Right, of course not everyone thinks working long hours is a bad thing - I don't think it's a bad thing if you're not neglecting other duties, or if you have reached some sort of compromise with your partner. As for "projecting my values", I have no qualms about that. Feminists project their values. As do evangelicals. People can agree or disagree as they wish. The great thing about debate is that no one is forced to do anything.
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