Stream of Consciousness About How I Got Here and Why I Will Stay, If I Stay
I want my friends and mentors to be proud of me. I want to do well so that I get to sit up late at the grown-ups table, with all those exciting beloved scientists, as one of them. Sometimes I get so enraptured, it all gets tangled up together: discovery, intellectual connection, gossip, flirtation, karaoke, stupid raunchy biochemistry puns ... and I'm on a cloud. Like in Utah when the bar closed and we all went to my lab-mate's room and talked for hours. Like in first year at all those retreats when we were the princes and princesses of the world, and every possibility beckoned, and the future was a shining silver train track heading toward the sun. Like when we giggled to think of dancing with each other some distant days and our students would laugh at us, but we would know. The feeling of belonging to something great and good and important: We are! We are! We are!
Before the ennui set in.
He said, You students have it so good, you have nothing to worry about right now. It's so true - at every stage it gets harder and harder, compounding responsibility upon responsibility. One has to live for those moments of congruence, the little flashes of insight. It's - to me, anyway - akin to a sexual thrill. Sometimes I get so excited at a talk or reading a paper that I have to stop my mind from spinning away up into the sky. Sadly, that hasn't happened for a while. I need the paracrine stimulation of the shiny clever people, clever people with cool beers and cool ideas. Symposia, retreats - what are they but people squirting intellectual growth factors at each other? I love that. More to the point, I need those growth factors to survive here.
So it's not just the finding of the answers that compel me to do this silly thing, it's the company. Maybe my motives for being here aren't scientifically pure, but whose are?
(Okay, maybe some people's motives are more pure, but I bet those people rarely dance and probably need to get laid.)
I am going to go away from it for a little while, so then I will miss it and really want to come back.
Before the ennui set in.
He said, You students have it so good, you have nothing to worry about right now. It's so true - at every stage it gets harder and harder, compounding responsibility upon responsibility. One has to live for those moments of congruence, the little flashes of insight. It's - to me, anyway - akin to a sexual thrill. Sometimes I get so excited at a talk or reading a paper that I have to stop my mind from spinning away up into the sky. Sadly, that hasn't happened for a while. I need the paracrine stimulation of the shiny clever people, clever people with cool beers and cool ideas. Symposia, retreats - what are they but people squirting intellectual growth factors at each other? I love that. More to the point, I need those growth factors to survive here.
So it's not just the finding of the answers that compel me to do this silly thing, it's the company. Maybe my motives for being here aren't scientifically pure, but whose are?
(Okay, maybe some people's motives are more pure, but I bet those people rarely dance and probably need to get laid.)
I am going to go away from it for a little while, so then I will miss it and really want to come back.
posted by Joolya at
11:22 PM
1 Comments:
Joolya, that's one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I've read in a while. It completely captures what I think of as the erotic joy of doing science, thinking science, being a scientist, having a mind that works that way, feeling it physically when your mind is sparking like that, and yes yes yes you need other people to spark off of and with, it is indeed interactive and synergistic and it is so so lovely when it works. What would it even mean to be in it "just" for the science? Who is in any human endeavor "just" for the sake of the particular pursuit itself? We do what we do as humans because we can do it, but also because we enjoy it and it gives us pleasure and it is erotic. And I think that is right and proper. For me, when I have felt strong and sexy in the lab, it has corresponded with feeling strong and sexy in my life. You might like to read what I wrote about this in my essay in "She's Such a Geek!" when the book comes out. My essay is called " 'Suzy the Computer' vs. 'Dr. Sexy': What's a Geek Girl to Do When She Wants to Get Laid?"
What you are writing about here is your relationship with the Muse. It's more common to hear artists talk about this. The Muse comes and goes, stays with us for longer or shorter periods, more or less intense. The Muse can be conjured or channeled through other people who call her into existence (the Muse is female), spark her presence in our own existence. It's thrilling and wonderful when the Muse is present, mundance and more difficult and slogging when the Muse is absent. But we remember the Muse and want to bring her back.
I hope you will always encounter people who spark your Muse. You are so clearly, strongly receptive and giving.
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