Letter to Brian
Dear Brian,
I am really concerned that you are letting a few bad experiences with women colour your relationships with all women. This is like if my friend who was recently mugged on the subway by a black guy would now fear and distrust all black guys on the subway. In fact, she says that this aspect of being mugged was the most traumatizing to her - she doesn't want to become a suspicious, prejudiced person who clutches her bag whenever she sees a black guy on the T, since most black guys on the T are not out to mug her. It's not fair to you, yourself, let alone other people, to let some nasty person ruin all relationships with women for you. It makes me so sad that this is the case.
Just like not all men are rapists (e.g. Springy is not a rapist and he is a man), not all women hate or are out to get men. Even feminists, I swear. I, for example, am both a feminist and a lover of men. Not all men (not Vox) but men who are loveable; men who genuinely respect me as a person. Ditto women, for that matter. I love women who are caring, kind people who respect me as a person.
Imagine a woman who was raped by an acquaintance, for example, someone she thought was a decent guy who maybe got drunk and turned out to be a horrible person. (True story.) After that she's afraid to go to parties, afraid of men in general, and every time she starts to get involved with a new guy she suspects that he is secretly a rapist asshole like the former friend who raped her in the bathroom at this party. She becomes bitter and unable to trust all men. (Maybe be doesn't want doors held open for her by well-meaning men, either, because she thinks they are insulting her abilities.) Now, her attitude is lamentable because she can't take a chance on even a nice guy, like Springy, who would respect her and never take advantage of her. Her attitude towards individual men is now shaped by her prejudice against all men based on the rapist who hurt her.
In essence, she (and you) have put a whole class of people in a box labeled "Other" - which is a prejudice that denies respect and humanity of individuals who fall into that category. (For her, men; for you, women.) And so the Mortal Kombat variety of heterosexual relationships is propagated!
Tell me why this woman and you are in any way different. Seriously. I am concerned that you are so scarred and unhappy. I just want there to be one less miserable person in the world.
I think it might help to really try putting yourself in other people's skins. Once you have empathized with someone you may not agree with them, you make not like what they do, but it becomes hard not to understand them and by extension to love them. You love your neighbor as yourself because you have identified your neighbor with yourself. And once you have done that, once you have empathy, it becomes nearly impossible to act hurtfully towards someone - because you feel their pain. You have recognized their humanity, have viscerally indentified with their feelings; hurting them would cause you pain. You would be elevating their needs to the level of your own.
Whenever we deal with other people we have to ask ourselves, "Is my response kind?" This is the Christian (in the Jesus sense, not the twisted Vox sense) thing to do. The Buddhist thing, too, for that matter.
If you practiced empathy you could not commit rape, because you would be so concerned for the feelings and humanity of the person you were with that it would inconcievable to do anything that would violate her.
So, if you were with a woman and she - for whatever reason - became uncomfortable about having sex with you, your sense of her feelings would prevent you from carrying on against her wishes. If you did, yes, you would be committing a crime. You would be committing the crime of dehumanizing another holy human being. And that, my friend, is the root of all crimes that we commit against other people, prosecutable or not.
If you realy make an effort to understand not women but each individual woman (and man for that matter), fear and distrust will diminish. (And you will be better at spotting those men and women who are not trustworthy so you can steer clear of them!) Eventually you will be able to forgive and move on; not to get all Dr. Phil on you, but forgiveness of others who have wronged us is something we need to do for our own peace of mind.
Women, men; we're all the same, more or less. We're all motivated by the same fears and desires: love, safety, food, sex, success, respect . . .
The basic problem the posters on Vox's sociopathic blog have, in my opinion, is a lack of empathy for women, people who they do not consider to have essentially the same humanity as themselves. The same can be said for white/black, rich/poor, young/old, compatriot/alien, Christian/Jew. This hurts all of us, Brian, this divisiveness.
I am really concerned that you are letting a few bad experiences with women colour your relationships with all women. This is like if my friend who was recently mugged on the subway by a black guy would now fear and distrust all black guys on the subway. In fact, she says that this aspect of being mugged was the most traumatizing to her - she doesn't want to become a suspicious, prejudiced person who clutches her bag whenever she sees a black guy on the T, since most black guys on the T are not out to mug her. It's not fair to you, yourself, let alone other people, to let some nasty person ruin all relationships with women for you. It makes me so sad that this is the case.
Just like not all men are rapists (e.g. Springy is not a rapist and he is a man), not all women hate or are out to get men. Even feminists, I swear. I, for example, am both a feminist and a lover of men. Not all men (not Vox) but men who are loveable; men who genuinely respect me as a person. Ditto women, for that matter. I love women who are caring, kind people who respect me as a person.
Imagine a woman who was raped by an acquaintance, for example, someone she thought was a decent guy who maybe got drunk and turned out to be a horrible person. (True story.) After that she's afraid to go to parties, afraid of men in general, and every time she starts to get involved with a new guy she suspects that he is secretly a rapist asshole like the former friend who raped her in the bathroom at this party. She becomes bitter and unable to trust all men. (Maybe be doesn't want doors held open for her by well-meaning men, either, because she thinks they are insulting her abilities.) Now, her attitude is lamentable because she can't take a chance on even a nice guy, like Springy, who would respect her and never take advantage of her. Her attitude towards individual men is now shaped by her prejudice against all men based on the rapist who hurt her.
In essence, she (and you) have put a whole class of people in a box labeled "Other" - which is a prejudice that denies respect and humanity of individuals who fall into that category. (For her, men; for you, women.) And so the Mortal Kombat variety of heterosexual relationships is propagated!
Tell me why this woman and you are in any way different. Seriously. I am concerned that you are so scarred and unhappy. I just want there to be one less miserable person in the world.
I think it might help to really try putting yourself in other people's skins. Once you have empathized with someone you may not agree with them, you make not like what they do, but it becomes hard not to understand them and by extension to love them. You love your neighbor as yourself because you have identified your neighbor with yourself. And once you have done that, once you have empathy, it becomes nearly impossible to act hurtfully towards someone - because you feel their pain. You have recognized their humanity, have viscerally indentified with their feelings; hurting them would cause you pain. You would be elevating their needs to the level of your own.
Whenever we deal with other people we have to ask ourselves, "Is my response kind?" This is the Christian (in the Jesus sense, not the twisted Vox sense) thing to do. The Buddhist thing, too, for that matter.
If you practiced empathy you could not commit rape, because you would be so concerned for the feelings and humanity of the person you were with that it would inconcievable to do anything that would violate her.
So, if you were with a woman and she - for whatever reason - became uncomfortable about having sex with you, your sense of her feelings would prevent you from carrying on against her wishes. If you did, yes, you would be committing a crime. You would be committing the crime of dehumanizing another holy human being. And that, my friend, is the root of all crimes that we commit against other people, prosecutable or not.
If you realy make an effort to understand not women but each individual woman (and man for that matter), fear and distrust will diminish. (And you will be better at spotting those men and women who are not trustworthy so you can steer clear of them!) Eventually you will be able to forgive and move on; not to get all Dr. Phil on you, but forgiveness of others who have wronged us is something we need to do for our own peace of mind.
Women, men; we're all the same, more or less. We're all motivated by the same fears and desires: love, safety, food, sex, success, respect . . .
The basic problem the posters on Vox's sociopathic blog have, in my opinion, is a lack of empathy for women, people who they do not consider to have essentially the same humanity as themselves. The same can be said for white/black, rich/poor, young/old, compatriot/alien, Christian/Jew. This hurts all of us, Brian, this divisiveness.
posted by Joolya at
11:17 AM
4 Comments:
it's possible that I am being too fucking nice here. I just made the mistake of looking at Vox's blog again and the responses to "near-rape" - hardly a proposed legal definition, just a description - and the mocking of women and "that cunt deserved what she got" that followed . . . and this makes me think some people are beyond saving. I hope to God not all of them are. Why the hell do people enjoy being so fucking nasty? Gah!
Joolya - I am touched that you took the time to write this. I've found that the thread that was the genesis of this had degenerated into a Dr. Dre track, and I can't look at it any longer.
I don't like the fact that I don't trust women, just as your friend doesn't like her newfound distrust of black men. I suspect that in time her distrust will fade. Mine would too, if it didn't keep getting reinforced.
I can empathize perfectly well. What I cannot do is comprehend the thought processes that go into maliciously slandering another person for amusment.
As to the hypothetical that caused all the trouble - I agree that if he doesn't stop when asked, he is, at the very least, a cad. But to elevate that to a felony, and make the evidence of guilt nothing more than a feeling and a timeframe is where my objection lies. That would lead to a subjective law, and that way lies madness. Think "he looked suspicious, so we locked him up".
It has become clear, however that one of two things is the truth. Either all women are mad, or I am simply a lousy judge of character. The math tells me that the latter is more likely.
What I cannot do is comprehend the thought processes that go into maliciously slandering another person for amusment.
Like Vox and the others' comments denigrating women . . . which is why I had to stop reading, too.
I'm glad we can come to a sort of an understanding. I still maintain that the hypothetical in question is criminal if the man does not respect the woman's , however; but as we all attest (for various reasons) it's hard to prove he-said-she-saids. That is why I think it is so important to address such hypotheticals so that people can *avoid* that kind of awful situation - particularly reinforcing the notion, which Vox et al have not yet gotten, that it is ever, Ever, EVER not reprehensible to treat someone else's person as a receptacle for your own needs.
The recurring theme of "date rape is regret the morning after" trivializes the reality of rape by known persons. I don't deny that it happens sometimes, but the amount of times that happens in relation to the amount of real incidents that go unreported is small. When the guys on that stupid blog start trash talking women and minimizing the trauma of rape it's so disturbing; it shows me what their attitudes really are, and they are more Dr Dre than Dr Phil! Not helping.
As for subjective law, I doubt we can avoid it in the police or legal settings, unfortunately. That's why it is so imperative that we try to discourage the kind of inhumane thinking, on all sidesof the political spectrum, that Vox's threads demonstrate.
Final thought on this topic.
In a different situation, Brian, I feel like the Vox-ian response to your plight might go a little like this . . .
"Hey, you know what? Bad things happen. Deal with it. Don't you think you weren't entirely to blame, at least for some of what happened to you? If the same thing keeps happening and the common denominator is you, then you can't avoid some responsibility for getting into that situation. Why this culture of victimhood, huh? I bet you did something wrong, you tease."
Always turn it around, dude. See how it fits when it's on you.
Always. It's "crying victim" until someone does something to you/them.
Vox and those guys are hypocrites.
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