really personal - will regret posting in t- 9 seconds
The following post has been edited. Not sure how I feel about this editing. If you know me, you know what I'm talking about. It's not a secret. I took out the mean bits.
i've been having so many dreams that are so real. last night i dreamed i met a really nice indian couple from glasgow. i enjoyed listening to their accents. i was sad when i woke up and realized that they didn't actually exist.
i also had this dream about ******, who i haven't seen in about 9 years. i dreamed we met in switzerland at a conference and he was so glad to see me, and i was so happy to be with him, and i was so pleased that he was such a cool guy. i kept hugging him and telling him how much i loved him, and he was all warm and sweet and there was no feeling even close to how great that felt. god, i am going to cry now.
the reason i haven't seen him in 9 years is because of ************* and *******. i refused to play their reindeer games, concede that i was wrong and bad and a fuck-up and ungrateful and a stubborn bitch and ...
so they spread the word that i "didn't want to be a part of their ****** anymore, that they [my ********] didn't mean enough" for me to swallow my foolish pride and go skulking back to my ****** like a contrite dog who has been caught pissing on the carpet.
but i swear to you, it was the needful descision at the time and not an easy one. they were making me crazy with the conditions, the games, the lunacy, the revisionism. i remember thinking, that winter, "well if ***** thinks i'm eating now, he's crazy". i would bang my arm on the railing in the stairwell to bruise it so i would feel something, so i could press on the bruise. i saw the worms stranded on the sidewalk after a rainstorm and my heart was breaking and i sobbed and sobbed for the poor little worms that would shrivel up and die when the sun came out.
i woke up from that dream so happy, so full of warmth, until i realized that it had only been a dream, and felt like i had lost something all over again.
i've been having so many dreams that are so real. last night i dreamed i met a really nice indian couple from glasgow. i enjoyed listening to their accents. i was sad when i woke up and realized that they didn't actually exist.
i also had this dream about ******, who i haven't seen in about 9 years. i dreamed we met in switzerland at a conference and he was so glad to see me, and i was so happy to be with him, and i was so pleased that he was such a cool guy. i kept hugging him and telling him how much i loved him, and he was all warm and sweet and there was no feeling even close to how great that felt. god, i am going to cry now.
the reason i haven't seen him in 9 years is because of ************* and *******. i refused to play their reindeer games, concede that i was wrong and bad and a fuck-up and ungrateful and a stubborn bitch and ...
so they spread the word that i "didn't want to be a part of their ****** anymore, that they [my ********] didn't mean enough" for me to swallow my foolish pride and go skulking back to my ****** like a contrite dog who has been caught pissing on the carpet.
but i swear to you, it was the needful descision at the time and not an easy one. they were making me crazy with the conditions, the games, the lunacy, the revisionism. i remember thinking, that winter, "well if ***** thinks i'm eating now, he's crazy". i would bang my arm on the railing in the stairwell to bruise it so i would feel something, so i could press on the bruise. i saw the worms stranded on the sidewalk after a rainstorm and my heart was breaking and i sobbed and sobbed for the poor little worms that would shrivel up and die when the sun came out.
i woke up from that dream so happy, so full of warmth, until i realized that it had only been a dream, and felt like i had lost something all over again.
posted by Joolya at
10:25 AM
3 Comments:
ooooooooooh! you have all my empathy, i'm sure you understand.
wait! i mean you know i understand...
sending out the love
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