Chivalry or Creepiness?
This is a comment that I wrote in response to a post at BitchPhD about fear of strangers in women versus men.
And of course there is the irony of back when I was an undergraduate that one of the most-used pick-up lines used on women about to leave a fraternity party was, "Can I walk you home?"
I would much, much rather take my chances walking home alone (men are more likely to be victims of violent crime, ie mugging than women, anyway, and I rarely carry cash) than be walked home by a guy I don't know very well. Because then this guy knows where I live and will invariably use the "Can I just use your bathroom?" line.
This happened to me once. I was in a bookstore reading and having coffee, and a harmless-looking guy asked to share my table. He started up a conversation, he was new in town, yada yada (someone must have told him bookstores were a good place to meet nice girls!) and could he take me to dinner. I protested, but he was very (politely) insistant, saying that Boston people were so much less friendly than Southern people and he just wanted to have a nice chat. So we went to dinner, it was okay, but I wasn't interested in anything further.
I lived about 15 minutes away and was more than comfortable walking home alone in the dark, but the guy insisted on walking me home, which I thought was really annoying. He said he was just worried about my getting home safely and basically wouldn't go away. That was a little creepy.When we got to my place, he used the bathroom line. There was a light on in my apartment so I assumed one of my (large male) roommates was at home and grudgingly let him in, since he pled a bursting bladder.
However, no one was at home when we went in, and I got a little freaked out. Not actually afraid, but more annoyed and on my guard. As the guy went to the bathroom, I went into the kitchen and got out a loaf of bread and the biggest fucking breadknife I could find, so that when he came out of the bathroom he would see that I was holding a big fucking knife (but eating bread, not just brandishing it at him, which would have been weird).
He came of the bathroom and I politely ushered him out with a yawn (oh, so tired!) but never relinquishing my bread knife. (I understand that a largish guy would most likely be able to overpower me even with my bread kife, but if he tried it, he would most likely bleed, regardless of what happened to me.)
He protested only feebly, and left peacefully, but the experience made me very cross and wary. I was annoyed as hell that this guy' misdirected chivalry put me in such an awkward position (if in fact he was harmless). If he hadn't been harmless, though, I'd have been in real trouble.
I have never had any trouble walking home alone, however, in any city where I have lived.
And of course there is the irony of back when I was an undergraduate that one of the most-used pick-up lines used on women about to leave a fraternity party was, "Can I walk you home?"
I would much, much rather take my chances walking home alone (men are more likely to be victims of violent crime, ie mugging than women, anyway, and I rarely carry cash) than be walked home by a guy I don't know very well. Because then this guy knows where I live and will invariably use the "Can I just use your bathroom?" line.
This happened to me once. I was in a bookstore reading and having coffee, and a harmless-looking guy asked to share my table. He started up a conversation, he was new in town, yada yada (someone must have told him bookstores were a good place to meet nice girls!) and could he take me to dinner. I protested, but he was very (politely) insistant, saying that Boston people were so much less friendly than Southern people and he just wanted to have a nice chat. So we went to dinner, it was okay, but I wasn't interested in anything further.
I lived about 15 minutes away and was more than comfortable walking home alone in the dark, but the guy insisted on walking me home, which I thought was really annoying. He said he was just worried about my getting home safely and basically wouldn't go away. That was a little creepy.When we got to my place, he used the bathroom line. There was a light on in my apartment so I assumed one of my (large male) roommates was at home and grudgingly let him in, since he pled a bursting bladder.
However, no one was at home when we went in, and I got a little freaked out. Not actually afraid, but more annoyed and on my guard. As the guy went to the bathroom, I went into the kitchen and got out a loaf of bread and the biggest fucking breadknife I could find, so that when he came out of the bathroom he would see that I was holding a big fucking knife (but eating bread, not just brandishing it at him, which would have been weird).
He came of the bathroom and I politely ushered him out with a yawn (oh, so tired!) but never relinquishing my bread knife. (I understand that a largish guy would most likely be able to overpower me even with my bread kife, but if he tried it, he would most likely bleed, regardless of what happened to me.)
He protested only feebly, and left peacefully, but the experience made me very cross and wary. I was annoyed as hell that this guy' misdirected chivalry put me in such an awkward position (if in fact he was harmless). If he hadn't been harmless, though, I'd have been in real trouble.
I have never had any trouble walking home alone, however, in any city where I have lived.
posted by Joolya at
10:43 AM
3 Comments:
That's awful, Joolya. What an idiot. When I lived in a poor area of London I used to walk people to the tube out of politeness, but then I was faced with the walk home alone anyway. And a female friend pointed out some statistics (she's a journalist and therefore trustworthy on these matters) that men *are* much more likely to be the victims of violent crime, in London at least. I think this is probably down to a couple of things:
1) men are more likely to be involved in fights, drug dealing, gang activity, etc. Crime is often perpetrated by criminals on criminals;
2) There is a possibility that men are considered fair game by muggers/mad idiots who just want a fight.
But the fear you talk about is very noticeable. An ex-flatmate of both of ours lived with me in London for a while, and didn't know the city very well, and was very nervous about being attacked. But we didn't have a single bit of hassle the entire time we lived there. But when she moved to a more suburban area which was "richer" (which is often a euphemism for "predominantly white") she was mugged. This flatmate was nervous because of not knowing London (rather than any latent racism), but lots of other white people I have talked to usually associate predominantly black areas of London with the possibility of violence.
There is a tendency among all of us to associate poor areas with high crime rates. And in large cities, usually, poor areas have lots of people from ethnic minorities in them. It is exactly these kind of signifiers - people on TV who commit crime are black, women get raped, poor areas of cities are no-go areas etc. - that encourage the division of society into groups. It also creates enormous economies and organisations. White people won't live with black people, so they build suburbs. Ditto rich/poor people. The middle class won't send their children to inner city schools out of fear and racism, and so the schools flounder through lack of funding and parental support. This perpetuates and deepens the divide.
Anyway, I'm rambling and this isn't very entertaining, but I just wanted to say that I never want to live in a suburb. (And Cambridge really isn't a suburb.) Also, that it's really good that you have confidence that you'll be safe, and that you insist on going wherever you like whenever you like.
I agree with you, also, Springy, that having more people out on the streets at night makes it safer - and more safety means more people out, etc. Which brings us back to why we should eb able to have a beer outside in the summer. ;)
I just wanted to say that I find the whole bathroom excuse a horrible line or..whatever. I am from the south originally and I do walk girls home all the time, sometimes many in one night. I have never asked to come in for any reason, nor have I ever even hinted at it in anyway. (shrugs) I just wanted to say that chivalry is not entirely dead.
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